A month ago, I created a spell where I can speak a manifestation goal, perform a very simple activation ritual, and have the spirits of a place of power help it manifest.
Every time I activate it, I feel the power and potency of doing so. The last couple times were pleasant and joyful like getting on a train through a beautiful country. Today however I feel something I haven’t felt in a while: Extreme pre-ritual blahs… downright fear and panic.
I’m no stranger to pre-ritual blahs. They range from minor discomfort to intense self-destructive behavior to create circumstances to avoid doing a spell. Pre-ritual blahs tend to express from a fundamental fear of change that we are resisting. This could be due to the primary goal of a spell, or it could be from side-effects, but either way pre-ritual blahs tend to relate to a spell influencing change for something we don’t want to release.
I’ve had multiple warnings that this time period is facing a Tower (loss of something considered fundamental to self-identity). Usually, Tower has good long-term results, but the sense of fear/panic from losing this thing we want to hold tightly to is very real. When Tower arises, our growth will needfully involve letting go of who we were in a way that shakes our sense of self and the world.
I’ve ended up being guided to do more than one working to open the path for this change: Softening my resistance, building my confidence, changing my thinking and more.
That what I perceived as a simple manifestation ask is triggering such a fear response change shocks me. My ask was simple:
“I manifest 10 group spellwork customers in the next 30 days.”
…and suddenly, as I write this, the fear makes sense.
I trusted the greater law of silence for a long time. “Consciousness effects reality outside time.” I used this rule to explain the rarity of videos with proof of magick: if a majority of viewers of a magick will disbelieve and oppose a working more than they believe and support it, then a spell will fail.
I know how much I struggled with faith. I am surprisingly skeptical for a self-proclaimed mage. I want evidence, facts and logic. For a long time, this manifested as not simply skepticism of magicks I distrusted, but rather full-on disbelief (which opposes the manifestation of those magicks.), and if I was personally this level of douchebag fucking up other people’s magick, how could I expect differently from others?
For this reason, I tended to avoid giving details of what and how I’m casting. I even took it so far as to conceal most of my mundane projects until they have manifested into reality.
The heart of this thinking was paranoia and distrust of other’s goodwill though. Believing that the majority of people around me wanted me to fail was an important symptom of who I saw myself as and how I saw the world. I’ve chosen to stop being a judgmental douche blocking other’s blessings even if only in my thoughts and beliefs. I’ve changed to wanting to see success. I’ve changed from disbelief and opposition to skepticism where I reserve judgement until I see the results clearly.
Perhaps its time for me to stop projecting my old mindset onto people around me. Perhaps its time for me to stop fearing that people want me to fail. Perhaps it is time to start sharing the efforts and projects I’m working on with people who might support them rather than hiding them from people who may oppose them.
Hell… that sentence alone…
I’m a bloody mage. I have spells to support my manifestational goals, ally spirits and enchantments backing me up. I have all kinds of things to distract, confuse and generally fuck up people trying to screw me over. What kind of cowardice is choosing to stay small to always avoid opposition? How is that going to entice allies to my side? How will that result in me building strength, understanding and confidence?
If I find myself facing opposition then I need to stand up and be willing to face it.
How could I have understood this truth on so many other levels, but not on this one?
So here we go. In the past I was only willing to share places where I was willing to fail. I hid things I cared about until I had nurtured them into where I felt they couldn’t be destroyed by ill-will.
Moving forward I choose a different path. Any time I default to caution/avoidance I will review the situation and my consciousness. I will determine whether I am ready to face potential opposition and if the value of the allies and lessons involved in openness may exceed the value in quietly progressing with the help of trusted allies.
Additionally, I’m going to expand my circle of allies. For decades I’ve kept my inner circle small with people I deeply understood and believed I could plan/prepare for possible betrayals from. (even those words display my lack of trust no?)
I choose now to build an outer circle of less vetted allies. People who I am willing to befriend and work with on things we declare shared passions for. I choose to trust that the value and benefit of having new friends and allies will exceed the risk and cost of misunderstandings, disagreements and betrayals in the long term. I choose to nurture the opportunities and interests we share rather than my paranoid concerns.
Just as I balanced choosing not to harm my finances through overspending on prepping, I now choose stop harming/blocking relationships by focusing on avoiding being hurt/harmed from them.
So yeah… An hour ago I did a spell, experienced great fear, processing that fear through writing and now find myself with a new commitment to change and experience things that are scary for me, but in the hopeful fear way. I do love how magick can work…
I am posting this as an expression of that. This very document is public evidence of a transformation of consciousness that I feel was strongly inspired by magick. No change can happen where it has no possibility, but inspiration, spirit and magick can catalyze those changes in interesting ways. Why would a manifestation for customers turn into an evolution away from personal paranoia and into inter-personal trust in a very short period of time? Because that was the part of the shortest path for the magick to succeed.